Here’s how it works. When I end up in a miserable situation, it’s usually because I’m all like ‘oh, I should do this, because I need a challenge, or because I should try new things, or because I think I should do this. When I end up in a happy situation, it’s usually something that came about completely randomly, and completely separate from my control. Often something that I resist strongly at first. The same goes for times when I’m saved from a bad situation. It’s things I couldn’t begin to control or even predict, people showing up out of the blue, mule-headed people making decisions I can’t override, or life events popping up. The things I can’t control have an uncanny habit of making my life better. I’m not stupid enough to think that this happens for everyone, it just happens to be my experience.
Yep, definitely PMSing.
I liked reading through the tributes to Maurice Sendak at TCJ.com. Here’s a drawing I did for the page
When we moved into our new house after the divorce, and, of course, mr. onions and grease helped. At one point he had stomach problems and wanted to use the toilet. We happened to be in the basement, so he wanted to use that one. Gege said that it was broken and told him to go upstairs, so he did. Later we say Gege coming out of the downstairs one. Mr. Onions and grease was furious. He ranted and railed and spewed his usual spewage of hate, about how selfish and evil gege was.
And then later, not too much later, I found out, the toilet downstairs really was broken. The seat was broken so that only light people could sit on it without completely breaking the whole thing. At close to 250 lbs, mr onions and grease could not have reasonably used it.
8 Matthew 15:7-11
7 You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you:
8 “‘These people honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
9 They worship me in vain;
their teachings are merely human rules. ’[c] ”
10 Jesus called the crowd to him and said, “Listen and understand. 11 What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them.”
Isaiah 29:13
3 The Lord says:
“These people come near to me with their mouth
and honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
Their worship of me
is based on merely human rules they have been taught.
Sometimes I worry that this describes me. But then I don’t really follow rules or honor Him with my lips either, so maybe I don’t even go that far. But I’m glad that I’m even thinking about these things, because it means that I’m finally slowly moving back. He’s finally slowly bringing me back. It sucked not being back.
So what does it mean to honor God in the life that I’m living now? To worship Him, and to have my heart be near Him?
Down a rabbit hole, I realized, yet again, today, that you are not equipped to truly love someone if you do not love yourself. This is part of why I am having some troubles with my own love these days, I need to have something to offer, and if I don’t love myself then I will have nothing to offer. This is why my beloved was able to offer the friendship of his friends, while I find this a difficult thing to do. It’s a different relationship to oneself and those around me. My thoughts on this were clearer earlier. But I’ve always noticed that it says love others as you love yourself, and I’ve always wondered how that works when you don’t love yourself. I guess the answer is that you should love yourself. Just as it takes self respect to accomplish something in life (you need to believe that you can to get off your butt and try) it takes self love to love others (or else how will you even know what love is? if you hate yourself and put yourself in harm’s way all the time, will you know how to treat someone else better?)
But God, how do I honor You, now, in this life, today, tomorrow, this week. Do I simply abide in You and trust that You will make it clear? That tends to always be my strategy, and it seems to sometimes accomplish some things, though it certainly doesn’t feel as devoted as running off to be a doctor-missionary in Africa. But this, too, requires trust. That, for me, would be a form of deep mistrust, because it would be a very painful and strenuous way of trying to earn love, not a way of expressing it. It would be something to do because I heard somewhere that I should, and not because I actually feel prompted to do it.
What’s my job right now? I guess it’s to learn Korean and wait. Say yes when someone asks me yes or no. Trust trust trust that being blessed does not mean that I am not loved. And realize how ridiculous it is that I need to remember that when most people have the opposite problem. Trust trust trust that God knows what He is doing, and just because I have no plan doesn’t mean He has no plan. The world hasn’t ended yet, and I haven’t had a plan at any point in my life. I never have a plan. I exasperate those who love me and want me to have a plan, but God always pulls through and provides something for me to do, though the last couple of years of it have been very emotionally unfulfilling for me, I can also, in my more mature moments, see the ways they were necessary to get me to where I am today. Personal growth, see. He made me this way, He knows what He is doing, He will make it work out.
My job is to be truthful. What is witnessing? It is speaking the truth. What have I witnessed? My life, my experiences.
End of thought stream.
Dec 5, 2011
I learned at 16 that you can choose whether or not you want to care. I learned at 21 that sometimes you care even when you don’t want to. Now I don’t know. I am learning when it is appropriate not to care, and that’s great, it’s helping so much. I’m learning that there are also times when I do care. Aaaand, well, if I reach a point at which I need to not care, well, the fact that I really really don’t want to reach that point and am getting nervous about it migt tell me something. I don’t know if it’s something I want to hear or not.
This is the first time it’s been someone who I really like and am impressed by, which is perhaps why it is. Can I meet someone like him again? Sure. But he’s also unique and there is only one of him, and I really like him a lot. And I want him to like me. It’s the first time I’ve been here, usually I’m so confident, dominant, I guess I’m a little worried that it’s my turn to hurt. I guess I’m a little worried because I’m bot used to the balance tipping in the other direction, not even used to it being equal.
And really it’s more equal now, it’s only my fear of commitment and decision making that makes it unequal. I know that if it isn’t working for him he can walk away, and it isn’t the same for me. I can make it be the same, but it requires constant effort because it isn’t a part of me. I’m a p not a j. So that’s uncomfortable.
But if it works out it will be good. I’m growing again, and that’s a good thing. A very good thing. I’ll be stronger for the future.
And I need to remember that I am also still in the decision making period. This too is part o my nature.
Everyone tells me “be careful, be careful, be careful” but they may as well have been telling me to make beer from scratch for all that I would know how to do it. When I say “be careful” to a friend it is because I know that his girlfriend is going to cheat on him but I am too polite to tell him that. When they tell me “be careful” it’s because they didn’t even know TO be careful, much less how.
The advice is all very well in itself, but not necessarily helpful. I don’t know how to be careful, I only know how to hide or not hide. I can hide, not do anything and avoid. I can half-ass things, showing my reluctance but still doing things, or I can wholeheartedly press forward. Being careful? That I don’t know how to do. Or perhaps it is trusting my own judgment that I don’t know how to do?
It’s not like it’s unusual for me to find myself out of my depth and wishing desperately for a wise advisor. But wise advice requires a relationship, and a relationship requires staying in the same place for awhile. And I haven’t done that either. I know who I would have asked for advice when I was fourteen. Since then? Ha, I wouldn’t have asked advice even then. Never trust anyone else, but don’t trust myself either. Make decisions based on what will make people least angry with you. I guess it makes sense considering. But it’s a shitty way to make decisions. The path of least culpability. Never forge forward because then you’ll be responsible for your own actions. Nothing more terrifying than that.
John 6:66-69 (ESV) After this [the teaching of “eating His flesh” and “drinking His blood”] many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”
I think this is a pretty good statement of my own faith.
Isaiah 51:12
12 “I, even I, am he who comforts you.
Who are you that you fear mortal men,
the sons of men, who are but grass,
Proverbs 13:12
12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Psalm 34
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 61
For the director of music. With stringed instruments. Of David.
1 Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
2 From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
3 For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
4 I long to dwell in your tent forever
and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
Selah
5 For you have heard my vows, O God;
you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.
6 Increase the days of the king’s life,
his years for many generations.
7 May he be enthroned in God’s presence forever;
appoint your love and faithfulness to protect him.
8 Then will I ever sing praise to your name
and fulfill my vows day after day.
Ecclesiastes 2
24 A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, 25 for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? 26 To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
25 for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?
